Episode 7: Awkward...

Oh. Uh...hey there. How uh...how are you? Um...yeah...

So today we're gonna talk about BEING AWKWARD. If you read that in a complete normal voice, you need to rethink your life choices. Refresh the page and try again.

What is it about humans that make interacting among ourselves SO freaking awkward? Think about it. When was the last time you had a normal, completely comfortable conversation with a stranger, excluding those you were hitting on (because, let's be honest, everyone at least tries to turn on the charm and suppress the awkward)? Quit lying, it's never happened. And don't think your closest friends are immune either. We've all whiffed a hive-five, waved without the other person seeing, or messed up a hug at some point. People are awkward. It happens.

But today, we're going to try to mitigate some of the awkwardness present in our lives. My goal here is to set forth some general guidelines on how to interact with your fellow man/woman in various, awkwardness-prone scenarios. Here we go.

Scenario 1: Two or more strangers in an elevator.
Now, this doesn't mean you should go all out and confess your deep, dark secrets to this person, because that's adding more awkward to the situation, which is what we're trying to avoid here. I'm talking small talk.

SMALL TALK: one of the most important skills you can ever possess as a human.
Seriously, it is SO important to be able to carry out a conversation with people you're not comfortable with. Whether you're interviewing for a job or just passing the time, you will have to talk to strangers at some point in your life. And the more you practice, the easier it gets. It took me so long to grasp this concept, and I'm still working on it, quite frankly, but I'm proud to say I had a nice, one minute conversation with a girl in the elevator the other day. What did we talk about? I have no idea. I can't remember. But I remember her face and I remember talking to her, which is more than enough to go of next time.

But back to the elevator.

Small talk is perfect for this situation. I know that social norms dictate that you must be silent and stare directly ahead (or at your phone) while in an elevator, but screw that rule. Humans are social beings. Why don't we start acting like it? And the elevator isn't the only place this applies. Small talk is also appropriate for co-workers in the work place, students who get grouped together for projects or assignments, people doing their laundry, and, the staple of the college existence, parties. If you aren't willing to be social at a party, what's the point of even going? No. It's not alcohol. Stop that.

Scenario 2: Holding the door open for someone.

Let me just start by saying that you should be holding doors open for people. If you pull one of those jump-through-the-door-like-a-ninja-before-it-closes moves when someone is behind you, I got news for you: You look like a weirdo. An insensitive one, at that. Not that weird is bad in any way, because I have definitely done this before (and it was awesome), it's just that I made sure nobody was behind me (mostly so there would be any witnesses to the weirdness). And for the record, I'm not saying to have to pull a doorman and hold the door open and wait for everyone behind you to file in, because sometimes you're in a hurry and don't have time. I understand that. You are morally obligated, however, to at least prop or push the door open so the next person behind you can stop it, get through, and continue the cycle. Unless you're a male and a female is behind you. Regardless of how attractive she is or how much you do/don't like her, you are a male. Be a gentleman and be her doorman.
On the reverse end of the spectrum, don't awkwardly prop the door open for someone who isn't near the doorway and make them feel like they have to jog to the door to take advantage of your kindness. That makes it awkward for that person, which basically negates the gesture in the first place.
Here is the simple rule I follow: If the door would shut on its own before the person behind you would get there at their current pace, you do not have to hold the door for them. This avoids the whole jogging-to-the-door awkwardness. The exception to this rule is if the door locks behind you. At that point, you have to factor in how much time it would take the person behind you to get out their key (allowing a grace period in case they have to search for it) and add it into the previous formula. Simple, right? Right. moving on.

Scenario 3: You see someone you know walking toward you from a distance.

Man oh man, we deal with this everyday. What do you do in this situation? Do you pretend you don't notice them until the last second (which you both know is complete bullcrap)? Do you yell at them from awkwardly far away? Dealing with this situation can be tricky, as the amount of eye contact you are comfortable maintaining with this person varies with how well you know them. Let's start with friends. Friends, meaning you are comfortable around this person, have hung out at least once before (extracurriculars count), and can have a decent conversation with this person. Upon seeing this person, you should acknowledge that you have, in fact, seen them. If you both see each other, flash a little smile or give them a wave to establish contact, then give them a proper greeting once you are within conversing distance. If they don't see you, you should feel comfortable enough with your friend that you can say "Hey _____!" and get their attention so you can say hello and chat for a bit. Dealing with acquaintances is a little trickier, but should still follow the same rule. If you spot each other from a distance, DON'T ignore each other. You both know you made eye contact. Man (or woman) up. If your paths cross, go ahead and greet them. A simple "Hi" or even a smile will suffice. However, if they don't see you, don't feel like you absolutely have to get their attention. This has the potential to create an awkward situation for the both of you. You might bring up on a later occasion that you saw them in order to create small talk, but this is also not necessary.

Scenario 4: Misspelling "awkward."

...I ain't even gotta say it.

Scenario 5: Whiffing a high-five/fist bump/hug.

Oh man is this painful.

This is also a tough situation to deal with, as how you handle it once again depends on how comfortable you are with this person. If it's a friend, feel free to laugh it off and try again. No sweat. But if it's an acquaintance or even a complete stranger, this situation physically hurts me it's so uncomfortable. And there's not much you can do about it either. If it's a high-five, it's usually pretty funny when you miss, so you usually can laugh that one off and try again. But hugs are a completely different story.

SIDE TANGENT!

Let me just say that if you ever give someone a side hug, you deserve to be forcefully pelted with broccoli. Seriously. Side hugs are the absolute worst. Every time someone give me a side hug, I die a little inside. It makes it even worse because I go for the full on hug and just get one arm. Then I look like the awkward one. That's not fair. That's not fair to me.

BACK TO THE MAIN SUBJECT!

If you're side-hugging your friend, you're not really friends. Rethink your relationship with this person. Any respectable friends don't have this problem. But hugging acquaintances can cause all sorts of awkwardness. The easy solution is just not to hug the person. But sometimes you it can't be avoided. If it's an icebreaker game or a hug line (yes, these exist and they are magical), you have to participate. You're awkward for not participating. So if you're going to do, do it right. Give them a solid, respectable hug. If someone initiates the hug, respond. Don't just sit there and cringe. That makes it even worse. Even if it's someone you don't like very much, all you have to do is wrap your arms around them for a second or two, then you can be on your merry way.

So these are the common, potentially awkward scenarios we as humans face in everyday life. I'm sure there are plenty more, but these principles extend beyond merely these isolated situations. I sincerely hope I have opened your mind to a less awkward way to deal with uncomfortable situations. If not, meh, I tried. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a little awkwardness. I am such an awkward human being it's not even funny. But I embrace that about myself, and try to control it in these instances.

So that's it for today. I promised I'd give you all something a little longer to make up for last week, so here it is. If you were keeping track at home, the "awkward" count ended up at 22, with 5 awkwardness's and 2 awkwardly's. I know I just threw a lot of words and concepts at you, and for that I apologize. Like I said before, I have some really strong opinions on the most random stuff, so once I get going on a subject, I go. I just think that if we were more conscious of how to deal with these situations, the human race would be less awkward as a whole. Anyway, thanks for reading! And remember kids, just because it's "diet" doesn't mean it's healthy!